Monday, May 09, 2005

Putting the Mary back in Christmas

(although more than six months remain before the end of the year, several noted conservatives recently gathered at the headquarters of the Fox News Network to lay plans for the further politicizing of religion and to punish any heretics during the gift-giving season such as store clerks who say "happy holidays" instead of Merry Christmas, local jurisdictions that fail to erect nativity scenes, etc. The meeting was held at the Fox headquarters due to the fact that since so many of the conservative elite work there already, it would have been costly and unnecessary to arrange a different location--ed. Although much of the group consisted of Fox employees or consultants, some additional conservatives were brought in to provide "fairness" and "balance". Among the non-Fox staff included James Dobson from the busybody, Focus on Everyone's Family institute, John Stossel, conservative scold from ABC's 20/20 and the new pope, The Grand Inquisitor, Benedict XVI).

Oh'Really?: So what do we do this year to capitalize on the attention we got last year?

Hume: We could stake out some leftish grocery store like Fresh Fields or some equally leftish
company like Target to try to catch them in the act of saying "happy holidays" instead
of Merry Christmas.

Barnes: I disagree. That's so last year. We need to make it all seem like some anti-Christian
jihad. We could focus on people who aren't going to church during the season or the lack of nativity scenes in Aspen, Colorado.

The Grand
Inquisitor: The whole problem with Americans and Christmas is you totally negate the importance of the Virgin Mary. I've never understood all the huballoo
about the Christ child anyway.

Stossel: And we have to make sure the innkeepers in this story don't end up giving hotel/motel industry a bad name. How come Joseph and Mary didn't just make reservations?

Moore: They couldn't make reservations because the Roman government made them
leave early to register for taxes. The whole thing was a government conspiracy.
Let's use the opportunity of Christmas to attack taxes and the government. I'll
have our Club start working on ads.

Dobson: I agree with the Grand Inquisitor. This child gets too much attention. I bet he was a
loud, crying malcontent that deserved a spanking. And I don't that story in Luke about
how the Christ slid out from under his parents' noses and went off to the temple to
argue with the teachers did any good. Luke makes it sound like it was the parents' fault
Jesus was lost. If I'd had my belt...

The Grand
Inquisitor: I should also like to point out that you Americans never remember that
the mas in Christmas means "mass". Mass as in Catholic. You should all
convert to Catholicism.

Oh'Really?: Shut up!!! Shut up!!!!!! Cut off his mike!!!!

Medved: How about a movie about Christmas and the war effort. The glories of Americans in
war never get enough attention.

Cal Thomas: You know I have a show around here called After Hours.

(a knock on the door interrupts the proceedings. Oliver North, convicted criminal and host of Fox's War Stories appears. )

North: Hey fellas. I was looking for the Up With War meeting. Know where it is?

Oh'Really: Get out of here, Pinhead. Your meeting is the next door on the right.

Sajak: You know, the whole anti-Christian thing is a Hollywood conspiracy. Hollywood hates Christmas and Christians.

Cavuto: the important thing here is to make sure that our retailers can keep racking in the bucks so I can keep saying that the Bush economy is humming along.

Shepherd Smith: Well, I like the personal interest stories myself. Last year I had to go and rip down people's wreaths and Santa displays to ginny up some outrage.

Fox and Bush Friends: Oh let's get Laura to come on our show.

(another knock on the door. Sean Hannity and Newt Gingrich appear.)

Hannity: Roger wants us all in the conference room. Seems as if some good looking white bride has gone missing somewhere in the South.

Oh'Really: I bet she's been murdered. I'm on it.

The Grand Inquisitor: Is she Catholic?

Dobson: undoubtedly, her disappearance and failure to make the wedding is because of the fact that Massachusetts has allowed gay marriage.

(while everyone scurries away to cover the runaway bride story, and the lights are shut off, Cal Thomas lingers behind)

Thomas: Excuse me. Excuse me. Well, that's it. That's the last straw. I'm going to set the place on fire.

No comments: