Thursday, December 16, 2004

Office Space 2: The White House

Infamous consultants Bob and Bob have been hired to vet President Bush's cabinet nominees as the administration prepares for its second term...

Scene 1: Department of State nominee, Condoleeza Rice, enters interview room.

Bob and Bob: Donna Rice?

Rice: No, my name is Condoleeza Rice and I'm the President's National Security Advisor.

Bob and Bob: 'Cause we just loved your work on that boat, the Monkey Business.

Rice: You have me confused with someone else. I was the Provost at Stanford University, and I-

Bob and Bob: Do you still talk to Gary Hart?

Rice: Gentlemen, please, now unless you have any real questions for me I really must be going...
(Rice leaves)

Bob and Bob: How about that, that Donna Rice woman's going to work for the President! Well, so much for vetting this one...who's next?

(Bob and Bob open the folder of information for the next nominee, Margaret Spelling, nominee for the Department of Education)

Scene 2: Margaret Spelling enters...

Bob and Bob: Tori Spelling?

Spelling: Huh?

Bob and Bob: Weren't you on Beverly Hills, 90210?

Spelling: I don't understand what you mean? I thought I was here--

Bob and Bob: I loved that show. But I bet you really loved that show...

Spelling: Am I in the right place? What is this?

Bob and Bob: What was your favorite 90210 episode?

Spelling: Do you mean that show with that guy Dylan and that horrible girl, what was her name?

Bob I: I always liked Andrea, never thought she got the attention she deserved, very sensible gal.

Spelling: Excuse me, but what does this have to do with education?

Bob and Bob: Um, ma'am, we're done here. Thanks a lot for coming, and tell the 90210 gang we said "hello".

(Spelling leaves)

Scene 3.

Bob I: Who's next?

Bob II: Looks like a Bernard Kerik.

Bob and Bob: Hi there, Bernard, is it?

Kerik: Just call me Bernie.

Bob and Bob: Bernie, now, refresh our memory if you would, you're here to interview for what job again?

Kerik: Department of Homeland Security

Bob II: Is that the company that puts out them color warnings?

Bob I: Yeah, what goofball thought of that?

Bob and Bob: OK, Mr. Kerik, we're just trying to get an idea about what President Bush's nominees do with their day. Can you tell us about what you've been doing?

Kerik: Just got back from Iraq, where I was training the new Iraqi police force as a part of Operation Iraqi Freedom. But my wife called to say our the addition to our house was completed so I came back. There was lots of bombs going off all the time over there anyway, so I didn't mind gettin outta there if you know what I mean...

Bob and Bob: Now, Mr, Kerik--

Kerik: Bernie...

Bob and Bob: Ok, Bernie, now we see you filled out these forms asking about your financial information, your assets, your hired help, and whatnot.

Bob I: Yeah, we wouldn't want anybody with nanny problems or mob connections gettin in to the White House, if you know what I mean. You never believe the types of people that apply for jobs like this.

Kerik: Nah, don't worry about that.

Bob and Bob: So no problems we should know about?

Kerik: None just that I'm in tight with Rudy, so let the President know that.

Bob and Bob: Great, Bernie. Good luck.

(Kerik leaves)

Bob II: OK, are we about done, who's next?

Bob I: Last one--Alberto Gonzalez for Attorney General, whatever that means...

Scene 4: Alberto Gonzalez, nominee for Attorney General enters.

Bob and Bob: Hi there, Alberto, is it?

Gonzalez: Yes, that's right.

Bob and Bob: So Alberto, why do you want to work for the government?

Gonzalez: Well, I'm one of President Bush's most loyal subjects, er, followers, er, advisors...

Bob I: Glad to hear that. Anything we should be concerned about as we make sure you're suited to be President Bush's, uh, general attorney?

Bob II: Is this a military job?

Gonzalez: Well, no, not really, although some of my work has had military implications.

Bob and Bob: Anything we would have heard about?

Gonzalez: You guys here about the "torture" memo?

Bob and Bob: YOU WROTE the TORTURE MEMO? Wow, awesome, man. Man, we loved that book.

Bob I: Hey, don't let us keep you any longer.

Gonzalez: It was pleasure meeting you guys.

Bob and Bob: Hey, the pleasure's all on this side of the table.

(Gonzalez exits)

Bob I: Ah, I love this work.

Bob II: Yeah, too bad it only comes along every four years.

Bob I: What's next?

Bob II: Think we can get a TV gig with Fox?

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