Moral Relativism, Special Republican Edition

Republicans believe in moral absolutes, Democrats believe in anything-goes, moral relativism.

But should you be a Republican, and should in the unlikely event you be accused of chicanery of various sorts, here are the recommended steps you should take:

1. Blame your accusers and deny you did anything wrong;
2. Change the law stipulating that party leaders in Congress step down after an indictment has
been issued;
3. Change the House Ethics Committee rule to require a majority vote (rather than just a tie) to
pursue a formal investigation;
4. Fire the current chair of the House Ethics Committee and replace him or her with a Texas
homeboy who "really knows the procedures";
5. Change the office of authority responsible for prosecuting one of your alleged misdeeds so that
a Republican homeboy handles the investigation;
6. Change the office of authority responsible for prosecuting your other alleged abuses of power
and illegal activity so that another Republican homeboy handles the "investigation";
7. Continue to deny responsibility for any misdeeds while continuing to attack the character of
your accusers and other, non-Republican legal authorities.
8. If ethical problem or accusation of lawlessness on your part re-occurs, rinse and repeat.